(Caidin)I experienced anxiety from the time I can remember growing up in school, socializing, a lot of anxiety around my classmates, other people.

It just proceeded to get worse as I got older.

Going to college, it got more intense and that's when it started to impact my mood.

I was diagnosed with major depression in college and started experiencing intense suicidal ideation, and that continued for about 15 years.

I had been on medication, doing therapy.

I did ect.

I did TMS, um and nothing was really relieving the depression.

The ideation was mostly like I can't see myself Existing in this world any longer with the way that I'm feeling right now and it.

It led to thinking of certain plans.

It led to, you know, really considering ending my life as an option.

I was always able to express when my thoughts got to that point, which is what kept me safe.

I always reached out for help when I had those kinds of thoughts, and there were many times where I did need to go to the hospital, where I did need to be stabilized.

Try different medications, or just have some time somewhere where I could be safe.

When my therapist brought up that this could be me struggling with my gender identity, that was something that I experienced from when I was very young.

I just didn't have the words for it.

I didn't have the vocabulary.

There was no representation of trans masculine individuals that I could look to to say, wow, I resonate with you.

It took a therapist explaining what gender dysphoria was and what being trans meant for me to understand that that's what was going on with me.

It was partly a relief and partly like, oh my God, how am I going to do this?

How am I going to exist in this world that is so binary structured?

How can I exist in this world as somebody who doesn't fit those binary boxes that led to major depressive episodes, just that in of itself.

I had mixed emotions regarding my my gender identity and what that meant for me.

But once I was able to meet other people going through similar things who, you know, identified, similar to me that gave me hope.

I actually went to the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference and that was my first time, really like getting exposure to all kinds of people across the gender spectrum and seeing them thriving, happy, you know, just living their lives authentically that that saved my life.

I got to a point where I felt like I could do more to give back because I, I started feeling better.

I felt like what I had been through, I went through it for a reason, almost.

That's what helped me was, was other people being visible and outspoken about what they had been through.

It gave me the hope to be able to keep going.

I have a private practice called Authentic Presence Counseling.

I utilize telehealth across the state of Florida.

I'm able to be my authentic self and also help other people understand their own authenticity.

And it's really powerful.

And it's it's helped me to kind of come to terms with what I've been through a lot of times with LGBTQ plus individuals, there's a lot of anxiety, a lot of depression, a lot of negative views of themselves because of what they've heard living in in our current society.

All the messages that we get growing up and throughout our lives every day, even especially in Florida like that, it's not okay to be who you are or, you know, not having that acceptance that is is needed by each human being, that connection with others that is meaningful and genuine.

A lot of my clients struggle because people very close to them have not accepted who they are.

It plays a major role in people's mental health.

That lack of acceptance, the ability to relate to other people and provide that the space that people need, the the validation of their feelings and their experiences.

It helps me to feel more confident in myself, which is something that I grew up lacking.

The constant negative self judgments and critical self-talk really kept me down for a long time, and changing that to be more affirming and understanding and just taking care of myself really went a long way.

And it's something that I have to practice every day.

It's not something that just comes naturally.

I. I make it a point to get to the gym in the morning before I do anything.

Getting involved in in local community events.

I was part of the national Gay Flag Football League for for many years.

That gave me a sense of of joy.

It was something that I was told I couldn't do for so many years.

Being assigned female at birth, you know, you can't play football.

That's for boys.

One of the things that I was concerned with that my family was concerned with was through the transition process.

Um, how how was I going to find love in that?

It's been challenging.

Um, you know, dating, um, being a gay trans guy, it was a change because prior to that, I, I was seen as a straight female.

So not only was my gender identity a shift, but I was also now part of the gay community for the first time.

I am beyond grateful that I was able to find my now fiance.

That we found each other.

Being with him has unlocked like a sense of joy and love that I've never experienced in my life.

I can't, I can't even put it into words, these feelings, because I never thought that it was possible for me to feel this way.

Existing with depression and anxiety for so many years.

It's hard to believe that that I could I could feel this good.

But since meeting him, my my whole world has changed for the better.

I am so grateful to have him in my life and I, I now, you know, look forward to each and every day.

I am excited for the rest of my life.

Like for the first time, which is is a huge shift going from, you know, not really caring if, you know, I woke up the next morning to now planning a wedding and a future.

It's it's a huge shift and I am so grateful.