>> HI, I'M ERIC FORD FROM MADE HERE, MASSACHUSETTS DIRECTOR -- RACE THE COG PROFILES NEW HAMPSHIRE LONG DISTANCE RETURN DAN AS HE COMPETES IN THE ANNUAL RACE THE COG FOOT RACE, A 2.7-MILE CLIMB ALONG THE FAMOUS COG RAILWAY.

ALONG HIS JOURNEY, DAN SHARES HIS PERSONAL CHALLENGES WITH MENTAL HEALTH AND PERSEVERANCE.

YOU CAN WATCH RACE THE COG AND OTHER GREAT MADE HERE FILMS, INCLUDING THE FILM ABOUT WINTER SURFING IN NEW ENGLAND, STREAMING ON VERMONTPUBLIC.ORG AND THROUGH THE PBS APP.

ENJOY THE FILM AND THANKS FOR WATCHING.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> IF YOU GET INTO RUNNING WHATEVER DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET INTO RUNNING, IT'S VERY HUMBLING, NO MATTER IF IT'S RUNNING 100 METERS TO DOING 100 MILES, YOU WILL BE HUMBLED BY THE EXPERIENCE, TRUST ME ON THAT ONE.

I'VE BEEN HUMBLED MANY TIMES.

I'LL GET UP ON THAT HIGH HORSE THINKING I'M YEAH, AND THEN I HAVE A MOMENT WHERE I'VE GOT TO KNOCK IT DOWN A COUPLE OF NOTCHES BECAUSE YOU KNOW, I AM HUMAN, TOO.

♪ ♪ >> PRERACE, I GET REALLY NERVOUS.

I JUST WANT TO GET IT STARTED.

IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY INTERESTING AND JUST SEEING HOW I SURVIVE GOING 1,000 FEET PER MILE.

>> I'M SO PSYCHED YOU'RE HERE.

>> I'M SO PSYCHED THAT I'M HERE, AS WELL.

DO I GET SWAG TODAY?

>> YOU DO GET STUFF.

>> I WOULD IDEALLY LIKE TO GET UNDER AN HOUR AND A HALF, IN A PERFECT WORLD UNDER AN HOUR.

MY GOAL IS TO MAKE IT.

>> AFTER YOU'RE DONE -- [TRAIN WHISTLE] >> IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD THEIR FOOD, IT'S ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

♪ ♪ >> AND THEN WHEN OUR TIME CAME, I'M LIKE ALL RIGHT, LET'S RIP THAT BAND-AID OFF, LET'S DO IT.

>> MY ADRENALINE IS LIKE OH, GOD, I'VE GOT TO GO NOW.

>> AND THEN I WAS LIKE WELL, I'VE GOT TO RUN AT LEAST 20 FEET, AND I KNEW AS SOON AS I STARTED MY 20 FEET, JUST THINGS WERE NOT FEELING RIGHT.

THINGS FELT VERY HEAVY.

>> 20 FEET.

>> SO I'M ALREADY THINKING THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG DAY.

IT'S ALREADY AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RACE, I'M LIKE OH, MY GOSH, I HAVE A WHOLE 3,500 FEET OF CLIMBING TO GO, I'M ALREADY FEELING THIS IN 20 FEET, WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU CAN KIND OF TELL WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BAD DAY.

AND I WAS TRYING TO NOT GIVE IN TO THAT.

BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE.

WELL, I'M JUST GOING TO GO ONE STEP AT A TIME.

I HAD A VERY DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD.

THERE WAS A LOT OF ABUSE, HOMELESSNESS, LIVED IN NUMEROUS FOSTER HOMES FROM CALIFORNIA TO FLORIDA.

CERTAIN THINGS OR CERTAIN DAYS OR TIMES OF THE YEAR REMINDS ME OF CERTAIN THINGS AND YOU PUSH THROUGH IT.

2012, MY FOSTER DAD PASSED AWAY DUE TO A HEART ATTACK IN HIS SLEEP.

DURING THAT TIME, I WAS HEAVY INTO DRINKING.

I WAS SMOKING.

A LOT OF VIDEO GAMES, AND WHEN HE PASSED AWAY, IT WAS KIND OF LIKE A REALIZATION THAT I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH MY LIFE, AND THAT REALLY STARTED MY RUNNING.

SEEING HOW IT'S CHANGING, NOT JUST PHYSICALLY, BUT MENTALLY.

THE ALCOHOL DECREASED, I STOPPED SMOKING.

I FELT BETTER AND THAT WAS KIND OF LIKE A WAY TO PAY HOMAGE TO MY FOSTER DAD.

I'M RUNNING THIS BECAUSE OF HIM.

RUNNING BECAME ADDICTIVE.

>> I WAS ANTICIPATING THE TRAIN TO TAKE ITS TIME UP THE HILL, AND THEN WHEN I SAW IT PASSING ME WITH EASE.

WELL, THERE'S NO WAY AN HOUR AND A HALF IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

IT WAS SORT OF LIKE A RELIEF THAT I DON'T HAVE TO CONTEND WITH THE TRAIN ANYMORE.

THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO BEAT IT, SO THAT ANXIETY, THAT STRESSOR IS GONE.

TRYING TO KEEP MYSELF CALM.

IF YOU START THINKING ABOUT THE ANXIETY AND ALL THAT STUFF, IT'S GOING TO INCREASE THAT HEART RATE.

TRYING TO DO MY MENTAL REFOCUSING TYPE OF THING TO KIND OF EASE THINGS DOWN, DO SOME BREATHING TO BE MORE AWARE OF WHAT'S GOING ON.

I'M OUT IN THE SUN AND THE MEDICATION I'M ON IS SENSITIVE TO THE SUN SO I'M ALREADY FEELING IT.

I HAVE DEFINITELY BEEN BACK OF THE PACK PLENTY OF TIMES.

SO IT WAS FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

I'VE HAD GOOD RACES WHERE I WOULD BE MIDDLE OF THE PACK AND I WOULD BE FINE WITH THAT, AND THEN I HAD RACES WHERE I'M IN THE BACK OF THE PACK.

I NEED TO FOCUS ON WHAT I NEED TO FOCUS ON TO KEEP MY STEPS MOVING FORWARD.

LET'S MKE IT OUT THERE, LET'S ENJOY THE VIEW.

LET'S NOT SWEAR A LOT.

>> HI, GARY.

>> HOW'S IT GOING.

>> NICE DAY OUT HERE TODAY.

>> BEAUTIFUL.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

>> MAKING IT.

>> MAKING IT.

>> THAT'S WHAT COUNTS.

>> GOOD LUCK.

>> YEAH, YOU, TOO.

>> THE FIRST PART OF THE RACE BEFORE JACOB'S LADDER, IT WAS LOOSE GRAVEL.

YOU'RE EXPENDING MORE ENERGY BECAUSE YOU'RE LOSING YOUR STEP.

ABOUT A HALF-MILE IN, THE HEAT WAS STARTING TO GET TO ME.

>> WE'RE ALMOST A MILE IN.

THAT'S GOOD.

>> THAT'S A PLUS.

>> THE ARTIST SIDE OF ME WHERE I LOVE VIEWS, I LOVE NATURE, AND I LOVE BEING OUTSIDE.

I STARTED DRAWING AS YOUNG AS I CAN REMEMBER.

DRAWING ON WALLS AND GETTING YELLED AT FOR NOT DRAWING ON WALLS USING CRAYONS AND THINGS LIKE THAT.

I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE MANY POSITIVE ROLE MODELS TO LOOK UP TO, SO FANTASY WORLD WAS MY THING.

I WAS ATTRACTED BY THEIR STRENGTH, THEIR ABILITY TO OVERCOME ADVERSITY.

IT WAS A POWERFUL MESSAGE TO GET ME THROUGH MY CHILDHOOD.

I THINK IT WAS THE SENSE OF HOPE AND I NEEDED THAT AS A KID.

AND IT CARRIED OVER TO HIGH SCHOOL AND THEN COLLEGE AND I WENT TO COLLEGE FOR AN ART DEGREE.

MY FOSTER MOM WILL TELL ME THAT I'M A SURVIVOR, GIVEN MY SITUATION.

>> BEING OUT ON THE TRAIL AND JUST THE STEEPNESS OF IT JUST PUTS YOU IN THAT MIND OF BEING MINDFUL, BEING PRESENT IN THE MOMENT, I'M HIKING A HILL THAT'S STEEP, I'M HERE.

MINDFULNESS.

IT WORKS, THOUGH.

IT GETS YOUR MIND OFF NEGATIVE STUFF.

IT'S OKAY TO BE CHILL.

>> DEPRESSION WAS ALWAYS A BIG THING.

THE PANIC ATTACKS DIDN'T REALLY KICK IN UNTIL 2008.

YOU HAVE VERY LITTLE ABILITY TO STOP THAT.

>> I KNOW I'M NOT DYING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS, I KNOW I'M NOT HAVING A HEART ATTACK, BUT WHEN YOUR MIND IS SUPERSEDING THE FACT THAT YES, YOU'RE HAVING A CERTAIN RESPONSE GOING ON, IT'S PRETTY INTENSE, YOUR HEART RATE IS GOING A LOT FASTER THAN IT SHOULD BE ON AN EASY RUN.

YOU'RE STARTING TO HAVE RESTRICTIVE BREATHING.

I BROUGHT MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE I THOUGHT -- I WAS HYPERVENTILATING A LOT SO I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A HEART ATTACK OR SOME SORT OF CARDIAC SITUATION.

AND I ENDED UP COLLAPSING AT THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE PANICKING, YOU'RE NOT REALLY BREATHING EFFICIENTLY.

YOU'RE REALLY STRUGGLING GETTING THAT AIR IN SO YOU BECOME VERY DISORIENTED.

ON TOP OF THAT, THE THOUGHTS THAT KEEP RUNNING THROUGH YOUR HEAD.

IT'S A REALLY BAD RECIPE TO ADD THOSE TWO TOGETHER.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS HAVING THAT MOMENT AND IT HAPPENED FREQUENTLY.

SO I WENT INTO COUNSELING.

THAT HELPED.

CHANGED MY MEDICATION.

THAT ENDED UP HELPING.

>> ANY REFILLS NEEDED?

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> GOOD.

>> WHEN THAT NAUSEA KICKED IN, I KNEW I WAS IN THE LONG HAUL.

IT WAS A COCKTAIL OF EVERYTHING.

I WAS SORT OF IN MY OWN WORLD.

I'M REALLY FOCUSED INTENSELY ON TRYING TO GET TO MY GOAL.

IS IT WORTH QUITTING?

CAN I KEEP MOVING?

THERE ARE POINTS WHERE I WANTED TO TURN BACK, BUT I WAS LIKE I'M GOING TO KEEP PUSHING FORWARD.

EVEN THOUGH IT'S REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW, I'M DOING SOMETHING THAT OTHER PEOPLE TEND NOT TO DO OR ARE NOT ABLE TO DO, AND LET'S JUST ENJOY THIS.

I KNOW YOU'RE STRUGGLING, BUT LET'S JUST DO IT.

DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO KEEP PUSHING FORWARD?

I KNEW IF I TURNED AROUND, MY ANXIETY WOULD EASE, BUT MY KNEE ISSUES WOULD PLAY INTO EFFECT.

>> I HAD A HARD TIME JUST BENDING MY KNEE, SO ADDING ON THE KNEE ISSUE WITH THE MENTAL HEALTH PIECE, IT BECAME DISCOURAGING.

MY MILEAGE STARTED TO DECREASE MORE, THE LACK OF MOVEMENT IN MY LEFT KNEE WAS BECOMING MORE PROMINENT.

I BROUGHT IT UP TO THE DOCTOR AND THEY COULDN'T REALLY FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT, SO IT WAS A STRUGGLE.

IN 2021, I FELT WITH THE RUNNING PIECE DIMINISHING, THAT WAS PART OF MY IDENTITY.

I WAS KNOWN AS THE GUY THAT WOULD RUN THE ULTRAS, I WAS KNOWN AS DOING THESE CRAZY RUNNING THINGS, AND I CAN BARELY DO A MILE.

I'M ONLY 36.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

AT FIRST, I WAS BEATING MYSELF UP BECAUSE I SHOULD BE DOING MORE, BUT MY KNEE IS NOT ALLOWING ME TO DO THAT.

I HAD A GOOD SUPPORT THAT HELPED ME THROUGH IT, BUT I'M STILL RECOVERING FROM THAT.

>> I HAD A MOMENT WHERE I JUST PAUSED TO WATCH THE TRAIN GO DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT.

>> IT WAS A GOOD WAY TO REFOCUS MY MIND BECAUSE I WAS FEELING NAUSEOUS AT THAT TIME.

>> LET'S JUST TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME, IF I PUKE, I PUKE.

AS LONG AS I AM ABLE TO MAKE IT.

AFTER JACOB'S LADDER WHERE THINGS STARTED TO GET REALLY STEEP, I ACTUALLY PREFERRED THE ROCKS OVER THE LOOSE GRAVEL AND I FELT BETTER ON THE ROCKS, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS STEEP.

I WAS ABLE TO PICK UP MY PACE A LITTLE BIT MORE WITH MORE EFFICIENCY.

SO I GOT FRUSTRATED.

THAT WAS KIND OF LIKE MY TURNING POINT WHERE I WAS, LIKE, I'M JUST PISSED.

I'M GOING TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

IT TAKES AWAY THAT ADDED PRESSURE THAT I'VE GOT TO GET IT UNDER A CERTAIN TIME.

THAT'S NO LONGER FUN FOR ME.

THAT ADDS ANXIETY AND STRESS AND I DON'T NEED THAT.

>> NICE JOB DAN.

>> OKAY.

>> WORKING HARD, RIGHT?

>> IT'S HUMBLING.

>> IT IS HUMBLING BUT IT'S A GORGEOUS DAY.

YOU COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A BETTER DAY, I'M SO PSYCHED TO SEE YOU OUT HERE.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, IT JUST MADE MY DAY.

IT'S AWESOME.

>> I'M SLOWLY MAKING IT.

>> YOU'VE GOT THAT DAN SMILE, DON'T LOSE IT.

>> CHANGING THAT MENTALITY AND JUST TOOK MY TIME.

I'M NOT HERE TO BREAK ANY RECORDS.

I CAN STILL WADDLE.

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

MY MAIN GOAL WAS TO ENJOY THE MOMENT.

♪ ♪ >> IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING IN THE BEGINNING LIKE THAT AND YOU'RE ABLE TO PUSH THROUGH THAT,.

>> YES.

>> IT'S A GOOD INDICATOR THAT YOU CAN PUSH THROUGH A LOT OF THINGS.

>> OH, THANK GOD.

>> AND THEN WHEN I SAW THAT FINISH LINE, I WAS SUPER EXCITED.

>> MY DEATH MARCH IS DONE.

>> I EARNED MY STRIPES.

I WAS EXCITED TO SEE I FINISHED UNDER TWO AND A HALF HOURS.

>> SO I WAS HAPPY ABOUT THAT AND I WAS HAPPY TO GET WHATEVER WAS IN MY SYSTEM OUT OF MY SYSTEM AFTER THE FINISH LINE.

>> I WAS SO PLEASED TO FINISH IT AND IT WAS A LOT OF HARD WORK.

>> IT'S FINISHED.

>> YEAH.

>> I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU THERE, YOU DID IT.

>> GREAT JOB.

>> OH, MY GOSH, WE WERE WORRIED.

>> CONGRATULATIONS.

>> I'M GOING TO GO AS FAR AS MY KNEE LETS ME, AND THEN GO FROM THERE.

>> VERMONT PUBLIC, PARTNERING WITH LOCAL FILMMAKERS TO BRING YOU STORIES MADE HERE.

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